McSweeney’s

My piece Evolutionary Biologists in Love has been published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. It takes two of everyone’s favorite things — true love and cold, heartless science — and steps on them until they are mashed into a fine paste.

You can read it here.

Halloween Candy, Ranked

Today is Halloween, and so I have compiled a list of all the potential candy kids might receive while Trick-or-Treating (or “Trunk-or-Treating” if you’re into super lame stuff). The very best candy this Hellborne holiday has to offer is at the top of the list, while the garbage sits at the bottom, where it belongs.

 

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Twix

Kit Kat

Milky Way

Peanut M&Ms

Snickers

Almond Joy

Payday

Three Musketeers

Regular M&Ms

Nerds Rope

Whoppers

Rolos

Dots

Yogurt raisins

Dubble Bubble

Regular raisins

Candy corn

An apple

Granola

A pear

An eggplant

Nerds Formless Clump

Actual candied corn

Chocolate-covered chia seeds

Chocolate-dusted flax

Fair trade, organic, cocoa-adjacent sorghum bark

Loose cereal out of someone’s pocket

Nerds Noose

The salt at the bottom of a pretzel bag

Leftover spaghetti, no sauce

Half a can of chewing tobacco

Gummy bears, left in a hot back seat so it’s melted into like a knee pad of gummy bears

Individual slices of expired lunch meat folded into little cranes

Wax soda bottles but they’ve been injected with clam chowder

Uncle Salty’s Political Rant Bar

“Black Chunk”

Cinnamon Dangs

Lettuce chopped up by someone who’s grandfather had just passed away and so their broken-spirited tears get all in the lettuce

Just muthafuckin’ toothpaste

Hemoglobin Licks

Measles Crunch

Unidentifiable beige mousse

A pacifier dipped in Granny Grease

A part of an antbed, just scooped up from the ground and thrown at a child

A five-foot long incontinent snake

Hey, how about a bag o’ bees

A VHS home recording of someone playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 thinking they all that but really they ain’t shit

An advertisement for a church from that family across the street that doesn’t celebrate birthdays

A Garfield collection but for some reason all the pages that show Jon are stuck together

A map that looks like a treasure map but the kid soon realizes he’s digging up pieces of his dog he thought ran away a month ago

A shot to the face from an actual gun

A single box, leaking foul-smelling liquid from one corner, with the words “FESTOC REDEMPTIA” painted on the side with what can only be blood, inside which something is clearly dead, but even more troubling is that something inside is also moving, squirming, making a sound of both animal horror and human anguish. One cannot resist the temptation of opening such a box, even if intuition tells them that after opening the box there is no closing it; even knowing it contains the sins and secrets of all mankind, that it is full of forbidden knowledge imbued with a curse so foul that when the opener dies the curse survives, and lingers, and lingers, and lingers

Those fucking gummy cheeseburgers

 

Discount Human Teeth, and Other Things Wish Says I Need

I’m all about saving money. I’ll wait to buy a video game for years after its release date, I treat buying a car like interrogating a spy, and my kids’ college funds are just scraps of paper with the word “BUCKS” scribbled on them in off-brand crayon. (Some people think congealed pig liver oil doesn’t make a good crayon; the good people at Croyoli will tell you, “It kinda does!”)

So when my child approached me and told me about Wish, an app that lists tons of expensive items at dirt-cheap prices, I was so excited that I almost didn’t charge him the $.95/minute I make my kids pay to interact with me. I downloaded it and found laptops, PS4s, and 4k TVs at a tenth of the cost! Surely this was the app those corporate fat cats didn’t want us to know about! I took to internet forums to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

Ah. So. The consensus on Wish appears to be that certain items can be bought at massive discounts with no drawbacks, but the more extravagant stuff (laptops, televisions, break-dancing robot gynecologists) are more hit-and-miss. Often, they’re cheap knockoffs, worn to the state of breaking down, or “different than advertised,” which one Redditor elaborates on by describing the “living room-sized” rug he purchased as being “smaller than a standard welcome mat.” Some buyers seem to have luck with things like computers, while others find their purchases lasting no more than a week, or even arriving completely broken. It’s kind of a gamble.

I decided I didn’t have the time or the lawyers to spend on such a thing. However, since the day I downloaded the Wish app, their advertisements have followed me around relentlessly. Whenever I do something internet-related, I’m shown a bunch of strangely specific items Wish seems to think I’ll be interested in. Items such as…

 

1. Discount human teeth from China

 

 

Need some teeth?

Never again be at a loss when someone asks you “Is that several large handfuls of human teeth in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Next time someone knocks out one of your molars for being that weird dude who carries human teeth around wherever he goes, guess what? You’ve got a dirty, lint-covered spare.

 

2. Crotchless underwear for children


 

I saw the human teeth and I thought they were creepy. I saw these crotchless kids’ underwear and I thought, I miss the teeth.

I’m sure the reasoning behind those holes in the front has to do with helping children use the bathroom or something, but what’s wrong with the traditional method of “pulling them down first”? If the kids have such a hard time figuring out how to pee, shouldn’t they still be in diapers? Maybe it’s an adult fetish thing? I’m sure as hell not clicking to find out, lest future ads become more… “customized.”

Oh, and they’re only rated four stars. “Bought these and was immediately registered as a sex offender. The 100% cotton is nice, however.”

Edit: It turns out this is underwear for menstruating dogs. Leaving it here because it’s no less stupid.

 

3. Female Penis Urinal Thing

 

 

I can see that this might have a few uses for women. What I don’t get is why the girl in the picture carried one all the way to the top of a canyon so she could pee off the edge.

Also four stars. “Used with existing penis, penis now stuck. Doctors say they will have to amputate penis to remove urinal. Also, color not the same as advertised.”

 

4. 30 grams of mercury

 

 

I’m just assuming this is mercury, but a silvery liquid in a vial doesn’t offer a lot to go on.

Also, I’m new to the game, but should I worry about my dangerous Chinese substances in glass vials being sent via two-week economy shipping?

Oh, right. Four stars. “Blood = poisoned >:((((

 

5. This thing

 

 

Sweet! It’s this fucking thing!

Never leave home without it!

It’s only a buck, this thing!

Five stars!

It even comes with the rubber band holy shit

 

6. A silencer?

 

 

With a bonus… ring? I don’t know.

Four stars. “Blofeld heard me coming a mile away!

 

7. Acrylic weed pipe apparently made by Nickelodeon

 

 

“As used by Summer Sanders during commercial breaks on the set of Figure It Out!”

Five stars! Who knew a one-dollar pipe crafted from an amalgam of banned plastics could deliver such a quality high?

Almost didn’t give me emphysema!” – Ben Smokin’, Duluth MN (deceased)

 

8. Dick keychain w/helmet

 

 

I’m assuming this is Japanese.

Four stars. “Wanted camo helmet, got Libyan flag helmet instead. I guess I won’t be taking this on my deer-hunting trip next week.”

Edit: Typed in “Dick keychain with helmet,” Google brought me straight to Japan’s Wikipedia page.

 

9. These things

 

 

If you liked that other thing, your face will flip right off when you see these fucking things!

We’ve got 20 grams! We’ve got 35 grams! We’ve got 60 grams!!!

That’s two ounces of pure thing right here!

Five stars!

Act now, and get some little dish thing to put one of your things in!

What are you waiting for, you ugly son-of-a-bitch!

 

10. RealDoll brainwash helmet

 

 

For those who are so sad and unattractive that even their sex paraphernalia claims it has a boyfriend.  Simply place the helmet on the doll, flip the switch, and repeat the magic phrases:

  • “I had to gain all this weight for a movie role.”
  • “I’m actually very wealthy, but I live inside my means.”
  • “I’m just taking care of my mom while she’s sick.
  • “Ukrainian women love the way I look. It’s all about refuting social normativity.”
  • “Who are you to judge, fatty?”
  • “FATTY!”

 

 

I’ll keep an eye on these and post the most crotchless ones from time to time.

 

New Site

Hey.

This is the new website of Chris Haygood (me). I am a writer of books, short stories, articles, scripts, and any combination of the aforementioned.

This will be my hub for all work that I unleash on the general public. News, updates, whatever – all here from now on. For any questions or comments, use the Contact form.

Thanks for visiting,

– Chris Haygood