I’m all about saving money. I’ll wait to buy a video game for years after its release date, I treat buying a car like interrogating a spy, and my kids’ college funds are just scraps of paper with the word “BUCKS” scribbled on them in off-brand crayon. (Some people think congealed pig liver oil doesn’t make a good crayon; the good people at Croyoli will tell you, “It kinda does!”)
So when my child approached me and told me about Wish, an app that lists tons of expensive items at dirt-cheap prices, I was so excited that I almost didn’t charge him the $.95/minute I make my kids pay to interact with me. I downloaded it and found laptops, PS4s, and 4k TVs at a tenth of the cost! Surely this was the app those corporate fat cats didn’t want us to know about! I took to internet forums to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.
Ah. So. The consensus on Wish appears to be that certain items can be bought at massive discounts with no drawbacks, but the more extravagant stuff (laptops, televisions, break-dancing robot gynecologists) are more hit-and-miss. Often, they’re cheap knockoffs, worn to the state of breaking down, or “different than advertised,” which one Redditor elaborates on by describing the “living room-sized” rug he purchased as being “smaller than a standard welcome mat.” Some buyers seem to have luck with things like computers, while others find their purchases lasting no more than a week, or even arriving completely broken. It’s kind of a gamble.
I decided I didn’t have the time or the lawyers to spend on such a thing. However, since the day I downloaded the Wish app, their advertisements have followed me around relentlessly. Whenever I do something internet-related, I’m shown a bunch of strangely specific items Wish seems to think I’ll be interested in. Items such as…
1. Discount human teeth from China
Need some teeth?
Never again be at a loss when someone asks you “Is that several large handfuls of human teeth in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
Next time someone knocks out one of your molars for being that weird dude who carries human teeth around wherever he goes, guess what? You’ve got a dirty, lint-covered spare.
2. Crotchless underwear for children
I saw the human teeth and I thought they were creepy. I saw these crotchless kids’ underwear and I thought, I miss the teeth.
I’m sure the reasoning behind those holes in the front has to do with helping children use the bathroom or something, but what’s wrong with the traditional method of “pulling them down first”? If the kids have such a hard time figuring out how to pee, shouldn’t they still be in diapers? Maybe it’s an adult fetish thing? I’m sure as hell not clicking to find out, lest future ads become more… “customized.”
Oh, and they’re only rated four stars. “Bought these and was immediately registered as a sex offender. The 100% cotton is nice, however.”
Edit: It turns out this is underwear for menstruating dogs. Leaving it here because it’s no less stupid.
3. Female Penis Urinal Thing
I can see that this might have a few uses for women. What I don’t get is why the girl in the picture carried one all the way to the top of a canyon so she could pee off the edge.
Also four stars. “Used with existing penis, penis now stuck. Doctors say they will have to amputate penis to remove urinal. Also, color not the same as advertised.”
4. 30 grams of mercury
I’m just assuming this is mercury, but a silvery liquid in a vial doesn’t offer a lot to go on.
Also, I’m new to the game, but should I worry about my dangerous Chinese substances in glass vials being sent via two-week economy shipping?
Oh, right. Four stars. “Blood = poisoned >:((((”
5. This thing
Sweet! It’s this fucking thing!
Never leave home without it!
It’s only a buck, this thing!
It even comes with the rubber band holy shit
6. A silencer?
With a bonus… ring? I don’t know.
Four stars. “Blofeld heard me coming a mile away!”
7. Acrylic weed pipe apparently made by Nickelodeon
“As used by Summer Sanders during commercial breaks on the set of Figure It Out!”
Five stars! Who knew a one-dollar pipe crafted from an amalgam of banned plastics could deliver such a quality high?
“Almost didn’t give me emphysema!” – Ben Smokin’, Duluth MN (deceased)
8. Dick keychain w/helmet
I’m assuming this is Japanese.
Four stars. “Wanted camo helmet, got Libyan flag helmet instead. I guess I won’t be taking this on my deer-hunting trip next week.”
Edit: Typed in “Dick keychain with helmet,” Google brought me straight to Japan’s Wikipedia page.
9. These things
If you liked that other thing, your face will flip right off when you see these fucking things!
We’ve got 20 grams! We’ve got 35 grams! We’ve got 60 grams!!!
That’s two ounces of pure thing right here!
Act now, and get some little dish thing to put one of your things in!
What are you waiting for, you ugly son-of-a-bitch!
10. RealDoll brainwash helmet
For those who are so sad and unattractive that even their sex paraphernalia claims it has a boyfriend. Simply place the helmet on the doll, flip the switch, and repeat the magic phrases:
- “I had to gain all this weight for a movie role.”
- “I’m actually very wealthy, but I live inside my means.”
- “I’m just taking care of my mom while she’s sick.
- “Ukrainian women love the way I look. It’s all about refuting social normativity.”
- “Who are you to judge, fatty?”
I’ll keep an eye on these and post the most crotchless ones from time to time.