Today is Halloween, and so I have compiled a list of all the potential candy kids might receive while Trick-or-Treating (or “Trunk-or-Treating” if you’re into super lame stuff). The very best candy this Hellborne holiday has to offer is at the top of the list, while the garbage sits at the bottom, where it belongs.

1.  
   1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

    

   2. Twix

    

   3. Kit Kat

    

   4. Milky Way

    

   5. Peanut M&Ms

    

   6. Snickers

    

   7. Almond Joy

    

   8. Payday

    

   9. Three Musketeers

    

   10. Regular M&Ms

    

   11. Nerds Rope

    

   12. Whoppers

    

   13. Rolos

    

   14. Dots

    

   15. Yogurt raisins

    

   16. Dubble Bubble

    

   17. Regular raisins

    

   18. Candy corn

    

   19. An apple

    

   20. Granola

    

   21. A pear

    

   22. An eggplant

    

   23. Nerds Formless Clump

    

   24. Actual candied corn

    

   25. Chocolate-covered chia seeds

    

   26. Chocolate-dusted flax

    

   27. Fair trade, organic, cocoa-adjacent sorghum bark

    

   28. Loose cereal out of someone’s pocket

    

   29. Nerds Noose

    

   30. The salt at the bottom of a pretzel bag

    

   31. Leftover spaghetti, no sauce

    

   32. Half a can of chewing tobacco

    

   33. Gummy bears, left in a hot back seat so it’s melted into like a knee pad of gummy bears

    

   34. Individual slices of expired lunch meat folded into little cranes

    

   35. Wax soda bottles but they’ve been injected with clam chowder

    

   36. Uncle Salty’s Political Rant Bar

    

   37. “Black Chunk”

    

   38. Cinnamon Dangs

    

   39. Lettuce chopped up by someone who’s grandfather had just passed away and so their broken-spirited tears get all in the lettuce

    

   40. Just muthafuckin’ toothpaste

    

   41. Hemoglobin Licks

    

   42. Measles Crunch

    

   43. Unidentifiable beige mousse

    

   44. A pacifier dipped in Granny Grease

    

   45. A part of an antbed, just scooped up from the ground and thrown at a child

    

   46. A five-foot long incontinent snake

    

   47. Hey, how about a bag o’ bees

    

   48. A VHS home recording of someone playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 thinking they all that but really they ain’t shit

    

   49. An advertisement for a church from that family across the street that doesn’t celebrate birthdays

    

   50. A Garfield collection but for some reason all the pages that show Jon are stuck together

    

   51. A map that looks like a treasure map but the kid soon realizes he’s digging up pieces of his dog he thought ran away a month ago

    

   52. A shot to the face from an actual gun

    

   53. A single box, leaking foul-smelling liquid from one corner, with the words “FESTOC REDEMPTIA” painted on the side with what can only be blood, inside which something is clearly dead, but even more troubling is that something inside is also moving, squirming, making a sound of both animal horror and human anguish. One cannot resist the temptation of opening such a box, even if intuition tells them that after opening the box there is no closing it; even knowing it contains the sins and secrets of all mankind, that it is full of forbidden knowledge imbued with a curse so foul that when the opener dies the curse survives, and lingers, and lingers, and lingers

    

   54. Those fucking gummy cheeseburgers