Abstracts from Movies If I Starred in Them

The Karate Kid: An unpopular boy, tired of getting picked on, continues to get picked on.   The Matrix: A dissatisfied corporate drone is offered the chance to find out the truth of reality, which he declines.   Toy Story: A cowboy doll is worried about being replaced by a space toy, and realizes misery…

Continue Reading

Souled Out

Ellie McLanahan was watering her flower bed one morning when she heard her neighbor Tim Donnelly’s front door open. She watched the chubby car salesman from under her wide-brimmed straw hat as he exited his home, walked to the end of his yard, cupped his hands to his mouth, and yelled “Satan!” with the full…

Continue Reading

The Unbearable Sulk Vents His Frustrations

Oh, look, I’ve turned blue. Why did you have to go and turn me blue? Didn’t I just say “You won’t like me when I’m sad”? Oh, forget it. It’s not worth it. Nothing is. You thought I was the Incredible Hulk. No, I know you did. Everyone hopes I’m the Hulk, and then they…

Continue Reading

Art Blog of Grog

In 2013, archaeologists from the University of North Texas on a dig in Câmpani, Bihor, Romania discovered the shattered remains of several sheets of limestone that appeared to have been cut using primitive hand tools between 32,000 and 35,000 B.C. Each slab was covered with hundreds of symbols, which have been attributed to a small…

Continue Reading

Rick and the Unihorn

One day a unicorn was on his smoke break when he said to his leprechaun colleague, “Why am I called a unicorn?” The leprechaun took a puff from his cigarette. “I’m sorry?” “Why am I called a unicorn?” “Is this a joke?” “No.” The leprechaun regarded his friend skeptically. “Well… it’s obvious, isn’t it? ‘Uni’…

Continue Reading

Frank Speed

When I was still a rookie on the force, there was a guy called Frank Speed. I don’t know if that was his real name. Somehow I doubt it. Anyway, Frank was one of the city’s Big Three bank robbers, and we could never, ever catch him in a chase. Not that he was fast,…

Continue Reading

A Romance Novel by a Man Whose Life Hasn’t Quite Worked Out

This piece was originally published in an online journal called Untoward Magazine, which has since gone under. Possibly because they published stuff like this.   Chapter 2: What’s the Point?   Simone lie supine across her bed, completely naked, her ankles crossed and her old wedding ring pressed between her fingertips. She sighed. Things have…

Continue Reading