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I’ve played a lot of rhythm games. A lot. I’ve been a trio of Japanese male cheerleaders in Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! (and its tragically underplayed American counterpart Elite Beat Agents). I’ve been the master of the guitar in Guitar Hero, king of the Taiko drum in Taiko no Tatsujin, and the almighty lord of the…
Continue ReadingHalloween is right around the corner, and I think it’s time for a PSA on costumes. Halloween, or “All Hallow’s Ween” or whatever silly garbage the ancient Celts called it, is the one day a year a grown human being can masquerade as the Hulk without attracting the unwelcome attention of teenage street toughs. But…
Continue ReadingMy piece Evolutionary Biologists in Love has been published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. It takes two of everyone’s favorite things — true love and cold, heartless science — and steps on them until they are mashed into a fine paste. You can read it here.
Continue ReadingToday is Halloween, and so I have compiled a list of all the potential candy kids might receive while Trick-or-Treating (or “Trunk-or-Treating” if you’re into super lame stuff). The very best candy this Hellborne holiday has to offer is at the top of the list, while the garbage sits at the bottom, where it belongs….
Continue ReadingWhy Women No Like Grug? Posted on Day of Cloud that Look Like Fish by Grug Hi. Sorry Grug not post in so long, but Grug having bit of rough patch. Me tell you about it now. Alright, so, other day, Grug chatting with Crokella, trying talk Crokella into doing boom-boom, right? So Grug…
Continue Reading1. Komodo dragons are not actually dragons 2. They do not breathe fire 3. They do not fly 4. There is no record of a Komodo dragon slaying a knight or guarding a mountain of treasure or doing anything cool 5. They’re just shitty fat lizards 6. They don’t even have wings. Seriously, did any…
Continue ReadingNAME OF PERSON IN ROOM TYPE OF TRAGIC INCIDENT UNUSUAL PLACE FOR A BRAIN TO BE LOCATED UNFORGETTABLE SHADE OF RED VISCOUS LIQUID FOUND IN A HUMAN BEING NAME OF DEITY TO BE FORSAKEN FORSAKING EXCLAMATION BLUDGEONING OBJECT NUMBER OF HOURS UNSETTLING PLACE IN WHICH TO WAKE UP SALTY LIQUID EXCRETED FROM EYE DUCTS IN…
Continue ReadingBirth Johnny Guglielmo, you’ll never kill me you dirty motherf… What the? Where’d he go? And why am I all slimy? And who’s that broad on the bed with her legs all spread out—oh god, I ain’t gettin’ that outta my head anytime soon. Alright doc, sponge me off already. And get me a glass…
Continue Reading“Professor Jabbers”: Yale accidentally gives full tenure to an orangutan to teach advanced chemistry. He turns out to be an excellent teacher and the movie ends up with him being appointed Dean. Amy Adams plays love interest. A hat that makes everyone think you’re cool but constantly feeds personal insults and criticisms into your brain….
Continue Reading911: 911, what is your emergency? Caller: Oh God oh God oh God Oh God 911: Sir? Caller: Oh God oh God Oh God 911: Sir, please calm down and tell me your emergency. Caller: Oh God my girlfriend is choking on a cape. 911: Can you repeat that? Caller: My girlfriend. She’s choking on a…
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