1. Komodo dragons are not actually dragons

2. They do not breathe fire

3. They do not fly

4. There is no record of a Komodo dragon slaying a knight or guarding a mountain of treasure or doing anything cool

5. They’re just shitty fat lizards

6. They don’t even have wings. Seriously, did any research go into this? No book in the world describes a dragon as “a fat, flightless iguana that bites a cow and waits for it to die a week later”

7. A Komodo dragon’s deadliest weapon is like gingivitis, I mean damn

8. Okay, I looked it up, and a Komodo dragon’s mouth secretes anticoagulants. I don’t know what that is but it sounds like some real nerd shit

9. Komodo dragons are a type of lizard called a “monitor.” You know what else is a monitor? A hall monitor. Yeah, soooo cool

10. More children become prematurely jaded and cynical from Googling a picture of a Komodo dragon than from any other life experience, including finding out Santa isn’t real and Walt Disney was a racist

11. Komodo dragons cause an average of 7,000 human deaths a year: one from untreated bite wounds, and 6,999 from suicides of people who decide that if it’s alright to take something that is clearly not a dragon and call it a dragon, all existence is just a series of random events and nothing has any meaning

12. No, I’m not done. Who was the buffoon who gave it such a misleading name? It’s like if I invited everyone to my house and said, “Now I will reveal to you an actual, living pterodactyl! Behold!” and they said, “That’s just a peacock,” and I was like, “Well yeah, what did you think it was going to be, a pterodactyl?” No one would ever talk to me again!

13. The guy who named Komodo dragons was W. Douglas Burden. “Burden” being both his last name and what he was on society

14. If you tried to fight a Komodo dragon it would probably run away

15. It would probably pee its pants and be like “Nooo, please, don’t hurt me!”

16. “I’ll give you all my money! Please!”

17. You could slap it around and it would start crying

18. “Boo hoo!”

19. A bunch of knights would show up and be like “Prithee, humble traveler, knowest thou where where lies the lair of the Beast of Komodo, as foretold by prophecy?”

20. And you would point at the Komodo dragon, lying supine on its back in a submissive position, whispering “happy place, happy place,” its stupid feet waving around in the air and tears streaming down its scaly cheeks

21. The knights would point at it and go, “What, that dumb nerd?”

22. You would be like, “Yeah,” and the knights’ shoulders would just slump forward

23. One of the knights would lift up that little visor on his helmet and wipe away a tear of true sadness

24. Then you and the knights would all slap it around until you got your frustrations out, and when you were done you would all leave Komodo Island and go on your separate ways, you back to your house, and the knights back in time to some castle

25. When you walked through the door, your spouse would say, “Hey, honey! Did you do anything interesting today?”

26. And you would go, “NOT REALLY”

27. Komodo dragons are the worst.