911: 911, what is your emergency?
Caller: Oh God oh God oh God Oh God
Caller: Oh God oh God Oh God
911: Sir, please calm down and tell me your emergency.
Caller: Oh God my girlfriend is choking on a cape.
911: Can you repeat that?
Caller: My girlfriend. She’s choking on a cape.
911: A cape? Like a Batman cape?
Caller: No, like a Superman cape. Also, my girlfriend has her feet superglued to the back of her neck and I’m afraid she’s having trouble breathing.
911: Your girlfriend is choking on a cape and superglued?
Caller: No, they’re different girlfriends.
911: You have two girlfriends who are both facing medical emergencies?
Caller: I have twelve girlfriends who are facing medical emergencies, but these two are the most dire. Wait… three. One has a beehive stuck on her head and she’s allergic.
911: Jesus. Sir, what exactly were you doing over there?
Caller: Hey! Before you judge, know this: drugs were involved. (Pause.) (Sighs.) Never mind, judge away. I deserve it.
911: Okay sir, I’m—
Caller: Oh God the choking one is turning blue is that bad?
911: I’m dispatching some paramedics now. What is your name and location?
Caller: Um. I, uh. No.
911: I’m sorry, what was that?
Caller: I mean, I’d rather not divulge that information. I will… figure this out myself. Thank you.
911: Sir this is serious. We need to know where you are in order to dispatch an ambulance.
Caller: I know, I know, it’s just that I always see on the news and stuff where they replay 911 calls, and if that happened to me my reputation would be ruined.
911: We’re not going to give anyone this recording, sir.
Caller: I bet you say that to everybody.
911: It’s true that we’ve turned 911 recordings over to news stations in the past, but that changed last year with the 911 Privacy Act. Now all emergency calls are strictly private.
Caller: (Hardcore skepticism)
911: Sir, please. For the sake of your twelve dying girlfriends, give me your name and address.
Caller: Just promise no one else will hear this.
911: I promise on everything I stand for. It’s just you and me.
Caller: (Sighs.) Alright. My name is Benjamin Blake, and my address is 192 Forest Oaks Lane.
911: Alright, Mr. Blake. Thank you. We’re on our way.
Caller: Don’t tell my wife please.
911: Of course.
“And there you have it, pro quarterback Ben Blake’s shocking 911 call in its entirety. In the twenty-four hours since it was released, Blake has lost thirteen of his fifteen sponsors, has been benched for the remainder of the season, and we’ve just received word that his wife will seek a divorce. This will prove messy for the young athlete, who is already in trouble financially, as evidenced by the call with his stockbroker released last month. We will be playing this call all day, or you can download our auto-tuned remix ‘Choking on a Cape’ as a ringtone at our website, WZLN9.com. Or, if you wanted to give our competitors some ratings, they’re showing it all day as well.
Next up: Is trap music making your children blind? We’ll have the full report after this. ”