Oh, look, I’ve turned blue. Why did you have to go and turn me blue? Didn’t I just say “You won’t like me when I’m sad”? Oh, forget it. It’s not worth it. Nothing is.
You thought I was the Incredible Hulk. No, I know you did. Everyone hopes I’m the Hulk, and then they find out I’m the Unbearable Sulk and they’re always disappointed. Do I not have a personality too? Probably not, come to think of it. God it just makes me want to, want to… I don’t even know. I never know anything. I suck, and I’m stupid.
Well, I guess I’m just going to walk over here now and—ouch! Oh god, I hurt my toe! It’s all, like, painful and… No, you’re right. I stubbed it on purpose to get attention. I didn’t even really stub it. Why am I me? I wish I could be the Hulk. No one likes him when he’s angry, but no one likes me under any circumstance whatsoever. I should just crawl under a three-ton boulder and die.
What? Oh, yeah, I can lift boulders. I still have super strength and all that. But what’s the point? What do I want to lift? Even if I can hurl a tank over a mountain range, I still can’t bear the weight of my own crippling self-doubt. Even if I can rip open a wrecked car and remove an injured child, I still can’t rip open my mind and remove my worries. I can’t do anything right. My therapist says I should tell him my problems, and I always say, “Why? So you can just go tell everyone? I don’t think so.” And then we sit in silence for fifty minutes and he says, “See you on Wednesday.”
I’m so unlikable, I don’t even have any friends. I mean I have people who tell me they’re my friends, but I know the only reason they hang out with me is because they think I can introduce them to the Incredible Hulk. I say, “The only reason you hang out with me is so I’ll introduce you to the Incredible Hulk,” and they say, “Dude, stop saying that, we’ve been friends for ten years,” and I say, “Yeah, because it’s taken ten years for me to introduce you to the Incredible Hulk. News flash: I don’t know him!” Every time they come to my birthday parties and give me presents I say, “Thanks, I’ll send these straight to the Incredible Hulk. Not!”
No one’s weaker than me. I couldn’t even stop that evil scientist from unleashing his flesh-eating virus all over the East Coast. He came up to me and said, “Unbearable Sulk, you’ll never catch me alive!” and I said, “You’re probably right. I can’t even catch my girlfriend cheating on me, although I know she does, because she’s always bored whenever we go somewhere and she sighs and rolls her eyes when I come into the room. And if I ask what’s wrong she says ‘Nothing’ in an aggravated voice. So even though I never catch her, I know she’s seeing someone else. What chance do I have of stopping you? The only thing I can catch is flak, but that’s justified anyway.” Then he said, “Well… hey, guy, aren’t you maybe being a little hard on yourself? It can’t be that bad,” and I scoffed and responded, “You don’t know the half of it. I’m just pathetic all-around. I’m the absolute worst. God I should just die.” Then he just kind of placed the vial of flesh-eating virus on a table and offered to turn himself in if it would make me feel better. I said, “No, nothing would really make me feel any different, until I stop being blue, which takes weeks sometimes, or until I stop being me. But that’s kind of you to ask, even though I know you don’t really mean it.” So in a way I guess I did stop him, but only because of my lameness. Some superhero I am, huh? More like stupidzero.
Did I tell you that I stubbed my toe? Oh, right, you were there. And you know that I was making it up. God, now I have Alzheimer’s. I always suspected I had Alzheimer’s but now that proves it. Man, why did I have to be born.
