In 2013, archaeologists from the University of North Texas on a dig in Câmpani, Bihor, Romania discovered the shattered remains of several sheets of limestone that appeared to have been cut using primitive hand tools between 32,000 and 35,000 B.C. Each slab was covered with hundreds of symbols, which have been attributed to a small Neanderthal civilization known to have populated the area. After an arduous two-year restoration process, the combined efforts of UNT’s anthropology and linguistic departments have finally produced a version of the writing on these stones that is fully translated into English, which can be found below:
Hello, fans of art pieces! Welcome to Art Blog of Grog, with host Grog (me). Here Grog tell you what art to like, and what to turn nose up to in contempt, and then defecate on.
It Time of Much Rain But Not Most Rain again, which mean creative juices flowing while we stuck in caves trying to avoid sky-fire and fighting urge to boredom-kill loved ones. The themes this season seem to be: Rain, flood, sky-fire, the untimely deaths of loved ones, and that day Buk try pull animal out from under boulder and boulder squash him. Huh huh huh, still crack Grog up.
One artist making big name for self is Fu from Snake River Cave, known for his buffalo cave paintings. This week he unveil anticipated work “TWO MEN ONE BUFFALO WHO WILL WIN.” People ask Grog what Grog think of Fu work, and now Grog tell you that Fu cave painting derivative of very similar work. Namely: all. What number times we need see man hunt buffalo? Grog get it, we hunt buffalo. Give Grog something fresh. Give Grog man hunt turtle. Give him man hunt frog. Maybe even frog hunt man. I don’t know. Just no more buffalo, please and thank you. Fu score is two poison snakes. Boo!
In theater, Grog now review Ox Day performance of Ugg Get Smash On Head. Without spoiling too much, the play is about Ugg, who one day during walk, get smash on head. The performance was evocative and poignant, with particular mention going out to actor Ugg, who play Ugg, and rock, who play rock that smash Ugg on head. Grog laugh, Grog cry, Grog cheer for head smash. All Ugg fans should check out this spectacle, as well as all fans of smash on head.
(Quick Correction: Last week Grog praise freshness of Gunk’s avant-garde piece “Leg in Solitude.” It turn out Gunk had curse of Leg-Fall-Off and was not trying make art. Sorry to all art fans who went to look at Leg in Solitude and ended up with Leg-Fall-Off disease.)
Play not to watch: Confused Gort. This play nothing but Gort walk around, look at stuff, then turn to audience and say “Why you all look at Gort?” Grog appreciate idea of break fourth wall as theatrical device, but it feel clumsy and gimmicky here. One would think a bunch of people had just start looking at Gort one afternoon and mistook it for play.
This wet season perfect for mud statues, and two artists taking fast track to top of sculpting world. One is Oto, who recently achieve fame for work “The Type Woman I Make Ooki With.” It appears his perfect Ooki woman has two breasts and a butt. (Interesting note: Grog’s does too!) His work on breasts and butt is so fastidious that it distracts from fact that the arms, legs and head are just shapeless lumps of mud.
The other sculptor is Oto twin brother Obo, who make piece called “The Type of Woman I Make Ooki With.” This piece includes more of body than Oto’s work, but be warned: this one not made from mud. Know what Grog mean? Eh? Mean poop.
Finally, Grog turn to the fertile world of sound-make. Musician Lok-Lok held concert three suns ago that floored audience like mammoth stampede. Ever since him stretch buffalo hide over sticks to make pow-pow noise Lok-Lok king of town, having beaten former popular rock-smash-together musician Kiklo, both in popularity, and also in the head with club. Lok-Lok sound fresh and interesting, but this lead to interesting question: will this new stretchy skin pow-pow noise lead to promiscuous behavior? Considering there only like forty of us now, Grog hope so.
That all for this week! Next time: Interpretive dance – art style, or evil curse? Evil curse of course, and death to all who get it.
Following the release of this translation, UNT’s Art department has commented that Grog might have been unnecessarily critical of Fu’s work as dryly traditional, citing his masterpiece “MAN FIGHT EAGLES SEE WHAT HAPPENS” as a prime example of his out-of-the-box genius.
